during our nursing sessions these days. Nursing wasn't always so joyful for me, though...
My mother breastfed me until I was well over two years old and allowed my siblings to wean themselves also after the two year age mark. I had every intention of breastfeeding my little one and the idea of formula was out of the question. With a good example of a healthy breastfeeding relationship from my mother and plenty of information about why the breast is best, I thought I was set.
I gave birth to a healthy baby. My little one latched well initially, but then stopped latching consistently. My midwife checked for a tongue tie, no tongue tie. I continued to try breastfeeding and sometimes my little one would latch and sometimes not. In fact, most of the time B did not latch. When B did latch the pain was excruciating! I thought birth was painful, but this kind of pain was worse (in a way) because I was still healing from giving birth
and I was now also experiencing additional intense pain frequently in different part of my body. I couldn't see an end to my discomfort because I had no idea when my tiny newborn was going to latch. As much as I wanted to breastfeed it was unbearable. I continued pumping and fed B with a dropper, but B seemed to hate it just as much as I did because it took longer to consume the milk and it wasn't natural... at all. Eventually, we graduated to a bottle and I continued to try putting B to the breast first, but babies need to eat when they're hungry to keep their blood sugar levels up. With B, if milk was delayed, I dealt with a crying baby who would then refuse my breast, a dropper, and even the bottle. It was emotionally and physically taxing every. single. day. I hated myself for not being able to feed my baby in the only way I had ever wanted to.
Initially my body was a milk making machine, but when extreme exhaustion set in from pumping and then feeding my baby and a body that was still recuperating from birth, I started to sleep for longer periods throughout the night (usually three or four hours) and wasn't pumping as frequently. Since B wasn't nursing consistently yet, my body was relying on my pumping schedule, which was more sporadic than scheduled (though it should have been) and my supply suffered. Thankfully, I was able to up my supply by taking
fenugreek, but it was scary to see such a significant drop. I went from pumping bottles full to barely being able to pump a single ounce! I'm certain that stress played a role, but it was scary. I wasn't going to formula so I knew if my supply didn't increase fast, I'd be forced to make B's formula which I
really did not want to do any more than I wanted buy store bought formula or get donor milk. Breastfeeding was my dream and it continued to be a dream until about six weeks after B's birth. B would sometimes latch and nurse for an hour
or more during which my toes would be curled from the pain and I'd be doing deep breathing exercises in a feeble attempt to manage the pain.
Throughout our struggle, I tried a nipple shield, which was actually more painful and a bigger hinderance for B. This was oddly enough recommended to me by a doula and looking back, I think it was really unnecessary. I know of a few women whose babies only nursed using a shield, but my experience with them was unsuccessful for B and myself. It was painful to put on, B lost some of the milk through this attempt (this is an unavoidable effect of nipple shields), and it was something I wish I'd never tried. Since the shield wasn't working, I wondered if B was uncomfortable in the nursing position so I thought a chiropractic adjustment might help. We had an adjustment and still, no change. I felt I had tried all that I could think of and we were still struggling.
Why wasn't my baby nursing? Did my baby hate me? What is wrong?! Were thoughts that circled my mind non-stop throughout the weeks leading up to B's ability to latch well.
Then....
About four weeks after giving birth, I learned B had thrush, which meant I had yeast. If you don't know, thrush and yeast are incredibly painful for nursing mothers and also said to be uncomfortable for baby. No wonder B and I were so emotional and crying for hours out of the day. We did manage to get the yeast and thrush under control, but nursing still hurt and for a much longer period than it would for a mother who did not have yeast.
Finally, B did begin to latch. My heart sang with joy. At last B and I were experiencing the sacred closeness that only breastfeeding allows. To this day, I still don't know what the reason was for B's latch struggle. All I can imagine it may have been is that B had a very tiny mouth as a newborn. People actually commented on just how tiny it was. B was healthy and otherwise a happy little baby, except when it came time to eat.
I only wish I had known more about breastfeeding hurdles prior to giving birth, so I could have more quickly remedied my yeast and learned about ways to overcome hurdles more quickly than we did. A couple days before B perfected a good latch, my mom called a la leche league woman to come and offer some advice and additional support, even though I was feeling much more confident about B's nursing, she still came to visit and said B had a great latch. I was
so encouraged to just hear those words alone. It's amazing how much of an impact a seemingly small positive comment can have on a new mother, but it brought such joy to my heart. A helpful piece of information the lady shared with me was that it is very important to keep the back of your baby's head warm when they're nursing. Otherwise, they may jerk off the breast in an attempt to find the warmth. Doesn't that make perfect sense? They're gently cradled in a womb of warmth for months and the outside world is quite different, so keeping their tiny heads cozy is essential. I started doing this with B and it eliminated B's tendency to jerk off the breast, which had actually been a tendency of B's and I had no idea why.
It's not often than I share very emotional stories on Milk & Honey, but I never want to give the impression that breastfeeding is easy because sometimes it isn't. Breastfeeding can be easy, but out of all my friends, breastfeeding has only come without struggle to two out of six of us with children and another one of my friends had a great experience with two of her children and experienced thrush and yeast with her third. I remember her telling me if she had experienced with her first what she did with her third, she probably wouldn't have wanted more children because it's so difficult to deal with. It's painful and breastfeeding is hard enough, so adding in another element of struggle only adds to the stress.
The only thing that got me through the hurdles were an excellent support system of a handful of women and a healthy amount of self-determination not to let any hurdle keep me from my goal. :)
Image of breastfeeding art, found
here.
